to think…

I think i loved you because you made me feel something.

You made me feel sincere happiness.
You made me feel loved.
And then that love died.

And i cried and i cried.

And now all these years later
I can barely remember
feeling anything for you
compared to what i've felt
for these people who got me over you

and those same people
who consoled me in my darker times
now theres pain in their eyes
having lost a child.
a CHILD of nine.
And here I am
their loyal friend
feeling helpless
crying from agony and madness
a deeper cry then before
this cry opens dark doors
it numbs the brain for intervals of time
then releases a wave of grief that tsunamis the eye

its an exhausting roller coster of the most intense scenario of sadness i can imagine for any human in all of man kind

it is a maddening situation that tests the strongest person who has ever loved a child or any human being more then his own mind

it is a nightmare, a tragedy - a heartbreaking sad ending.
But the story has not finished for it never does

The story of this beautiful family lives on, and he lives now through our hearts.

We have planted a tree of him in our hearts where he will grow.
Life is somehow more meaningful now that i carry a piece of you wherever i go.
We must rejoice his life-
 and then take ownership of the lesson this fate has disguised.

What can we do to honor him?
What does he understand now that his life has ended?

This is a wake up call in itself, more important to learn from tragedy then to acquire wealth.
Love is the most valuable aspect of life.
To have loved a child so pure, innocent and new to the world- and then lose him before he has been given a proper chance to grow- is horrifying.
It is the worst kind of fate. But it does not kill the soul.

We must remember Anne Franks Father. What a human duty he did by sharing his daughters diary. A real person going through one of the most horrifying fate's god could muster.

But he lived on for the sake of his child, to honor her life and the service she did by writing.

And thats what we must do for you, Sweet Antwuan.

if my heart were a garden...

If my heart were a garden
my lovers would be flowers
my family you be grass
but you
my sweet little angle
you would be a weeping willow tree
planted sturdy, roots deep and secure
you wear your vines like pearls
the wind playfully invited you to a romantic dance

open those eyes dear
notice the signs
the connections, read in-between the lines
theres a message hidden in every moment
the pretty sights, sounds of nature
singing to you from Gods lips
pleasing the ear
flowing out your finger tips.

He is here with you
he is alive through you
on the page
in your mind
imagining him in heaven
breathing with ease in his eyes

Death is a safe place
escape from suffering in this world
let all your worries go
and just float
and breath
and enjoy the fact that you lived at all.

Thats all we can do really.
Is be happy for what we had.
Laughter.
Love.
Loss.

Feeling it all.
Happy to have felt at all.

RIP my beloved Antwuan

Friday, April 4th 2014 marks the day the world lost an angel but gained a beautiful bright star in the sky. 

Today I wake up with tears in my eyes but wipe them away with a smile.

It's a beautiful day and I just want to celebrate the life of a beautiful child.

May you, Antwuan, always live in my heart until we are reunited in my own depart. 

Every time I look up at the sky, and feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the smell of fresh cut grass with the sound of children playing in the background - I'll be thinking of you. You and how magical you made the world feel just by the sound of your laughter, by the sight of your smile and the warmth of your hugs.

Your legacy will live on, in our minds hearts and souls. I shall write a million stories about you, about the burning fire of love you have sparked in so many hearts. I am honored to have know you at all little guy. 

Suddenly- I am listening to the music of bag pipes playing in the background as I type this. This marks beginning of a new sports season. I hear the children cheering for joy, and my heart is swelling for you sweet boy. I feel you here, you are rejoicing as well - you are playing in the sunlight that touches the face of your strong father, Dell. 

Carry on my sweet little angel, play in the clouds so that we peer up at them we'll feel you there look down on us. proud. RIP <3 p="">

Growing Pains

Alicia Proto

March 20, 2014

Poem

                                                            Anything is Possible

You’re the character from all my stories

The one in all my poems

Somehow every person I’ve met after you

Any other I could write about

Only leads me back down this familiar road

back to your safe house.  

You are the one I think about at night

I listen to old songs that leave me hugging myself tight

When the room is cold

And only my mind stays light

With the warmth of your presence in my head

As I curl up smaller in this far too big bed.

You are the heroine in my tragic tale

I sigh just pondering your face

How it changes as different emotions take shape.

You fought off my demons

Scared the monsters under my bed

Said you’d never leave me

Had me convinced you’d be there til I was dead.

You’re the song I so badly want to sing

Even though it feels like sin

Like how just the sound of a powerful wind

Can still numb my room temperature skin.

There’s a picture in my mind when I close my eyes

Its almost always winter time

A season where these feelings blossomed

Even in the dead of cold

The look of your eyes staring into mine

Made me feel not so alone.

Mother Nature can tell that I long for you

She teases me with every gust of wind

Spinning abandoned leaves in a dance

That tickles the skin

I was always waiting for my life to begin

Until you walked in

I was aimlessly looking for a sign

I was blind until the night you looked into my eyes.

Is this obsession?

When a beam of light

On a cloudy winters day

Warms my face

Beams so strong

If I shut my eyes

 it almost feels like may.

Its you I picture there

Looking up at the same sky

Wondering how all this time has flown by.

Insanity is a terrifying game

And here I sit typing, feeling so terribly insane.

Sadly, don’t have any tears left to cry.

So I just sigh

And wait for the clouds to go by

As to hide the sun

The frigid air reminding me

that there’s really no one there.

Reminding me

How life never promises

To be fair. 

Music

Alicia Proto

March 18, 2014

Poetry

                                                            Music

Let me sing to you

 the melody in my head

 It sounds like the wind chimes

Hung by an open window with moving blinds

Let me dance to the beat of this song

I’ll spin in circles

 Smile turning round

 all night long

Escape with me awhile

Lets waste time next to a calm dark nile

Run til our knees go weak

till our lungs go out

Chasing intoxicating heat.

All we need to move our feet

Keep them in motion

While our strides become neat.

I want to write poetry

 Describing the lines on your face

The expression in your eyes

Watch how your eyebrows rise

With wonder and surprise

I could get lost in those eyes

Lay my ear to your breast

Listen to how the sound of my voice increases your breath

As I talk about fate.

I want to paint

Paint the curve of your lips

How pink they are after we kiss

How powerful they are in this temporary bliss

How I didn’t know at the time

that they’d be ones I always miss.

Lets roam in our own fantasies.

Mold sculptures of our hearts

Then hide them in a bed of leaves.

Lets meditate in a field of grass

Dress in our best clothes

And take photographs.

Pose in our young and fare skin

Snap a moment in time

When our lives were waiting to begin

This is our time

Young and kind

New to the world

Still unharmed by fear of the divine.

No we are invincible from time

Our illustrious smiles

Candy to the eye

Seen even by the blind

Sending radio waves of good intentions and wine.

Our words may never die.

For as they are thought,

Sprouting through my fingers

A Metamorphosis from my brain

They come alive on the page

They are infinite here

They dance to the songs that were written from fear.

Here life is so clear.

Here death barely near.

Here

Is where I have come to love you my dear.

To write of the ways of how loving makes me fear nothing

But losing this feeling.

What is the right way to live?

"Our human nature is to make our own pure and imperfect connections to something and...not live through it but to find comfort in it. " 

Comfort. Such an important word to human beings. How could we ever get though life without some form of comfort? 
Comfort to accompany the challenging things we take on to give us character, to mold us into stronger more knowledgable beings. 

Yes, comfort and challenges go week together - for without one or the other we do not grow into healthy beings- rather we fall into the trap of staying too comfortable or pushing ourselves to hard. 

Insanity. 
Such a heavy word.
Hold it in your hand, and you'll fear it may climb its way to your heart. 
Insanity. 
Such a comforting place. An excuse to escape this place. Let me resign in my head til I'm back in the comfort of my own bed. 

I am angry. That is for certain. At myself most of all, but i give credit to the other factors. 
The boys who yank my heart strings without playing a note. 
The friends who abandoned me before they knew i would float. 
The girl who left me for dead to look for my own hope. 

These are what led me to this blog today. All the struggles in my life that have come up at bay. 

I am numb here, i should have pushed through. Its not too late for me, but theres no doubt that i know I've lost you. 
All ill absolutely have is myself. And i must make the best of this life before i fall into another depressive spell. 

Carpe diem! make your lives extraordinary! don't wait for a miracle- make your own glory. 

Spoken Word

My latest project.
Taking my poetry and bringing it to life.



http://newyork.cbslocal.com/guide/5-best-venues-for-spoken-word-and-poetry-readings-in-new-york/