Metro.

Oh how i love to see a beautiful poem on the back of metro cards!
They call it Poetry in Motion
Its the least the MTA could so charging a dollar for a new card!
Here's the beauty on the back of my unlimited:

The Good Life
By Tracy K Smith 1972

When some people talk about money
They speak as if it were a mysterious lover
Who went out to buy milk and never
Came back, and it makes me nostalgic
For the years I lived on coffee and bread,
Hungry all the time, walking to work on payday
Like a woman journeying for water
From a village without a well, then living
One or two nights like everyone else
On roast chicken and red wine.

Now read it again. 

This was my initial thoughts after I just reread it:

What are we running towards? 
Eeverything you need is right here, right now. 
Because all we really have is right now. 
Right now and the memories of past nows. 
Right now with the people in our present. 
With the beauty of today. 
Today being a miracle to still be breathing this air that is to temporary.  

We're forever unfililled

"we're forever unfilfilled."

forever unsatisfied.

forever thirsty for SOMETHING.
Sex. Affirmation. Love. Food. Sex. Sleep. Repeat.

but every life has the same end - death.

we die unfulfilled.
or perhaps we carry on.
who knows.

The point is to live in the this feeling your feeling now.
Pay attention and take note because soon it will all change.
It will change and change and then change again til your dead.

So all life is is embracing the change and pondering the past, looking for hidden lessons or messages beneath the reality. To make sense of you life, so that its one not wasted.

beauty is wasted on the youth.
an evolved mind, that a beauty of a different kind.
Like one who can understand the heart of another mind.
How to nuture as to affirm
how to supply comfort
to distract
to connect and lean back.

life dont come easy to the rich or the poor
money cant solve all the riddles soon in store
best we can do is love and pretend
that it can be enough to have these years with a friend.

travel alone

How can I know your love is one I  can be sure of?

Songs of romance only gives me false hope that two people can actually stay in love.

We live in too selfish of a world, where to ask one to stay is just as selfish as trying to leave

why did all these fairytales forget to mention their based off makebeleive?

I had a love once that never had time to grow.

It died by the winter time and I still mourned it till two summers ago.

I had hoped a new love would bloom in its place, but instead friendship has done well to lead me to this fate

I may be destined to travel alone

something just as beautiful, if not more poetically toned.

There are many things I would like to share with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ2yXWi0ppw


She opens Letters to a Young Poet to one of her favorite pages:

 "You are so young,... and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foriegn tongue.  Do not now seek the answeres, which cannot be given to you becuse you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live EVERYTHING. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzrDeceEKc   

There are many things that I would like to say. 

He is no different then you and I.

He falls and triumphs just like the next guy.

There is nothing super human about this man,
for he's realized time and again how life doesn't always go according to plan.

I've decided to be a full time blogger.

I was thinking about the things people can leave behind in this world.

And it reminded me of something my hs english teacher once said.
"No one takes words more seriously then a writer."

I agree. Writers notice things about the world that are hidden to the naked eye. They see a moment and recreate it so a reader can envision it in their mind.

Then the question popped into my head.
"Am I a writer?"

I mean i've written these blogs for some time now. But does anyone really read it? Does it count if you have no fans or followers?

Do my words matter?

Which has lead me to this. I am making the conscious decision to become a full time writer.

Because I have these words stuck inside me,
and at times I feel them beating on my chest from within
making my heart race
and i'll want to scream
but i'm too scared to scream
too scared of what the world would think
the fear
felt too great
and it silenced me towards a weary fate

but its odd how different I feel now
how the fear has melted and and ease has replaced it
so the ease leads me to these keys
and these keys spell out these words
as I type them on this digital page
to share with the digital world.

I won't know if the reader is a boy or a girl
but reguardelss of the gender or age or perspective
I'm sharing my thoughts
expressing my sorrows
in hope you can relate and feel better about tomorrow.

"I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched." - Edgar Allan Poe

When I read this and think how sane I have felt in these recent months, its almost displeasing to realize my heart has been untouched for so long.

I went mad when my heart felt you leave its side,
when the comfort of your touch was no where in sight.
Now that I am on the other side,
how I sit so often and miss the way love had opened my eyes.

why is it so hard to accept the love thats in front of us?
why does it feel so wrong to follow the things we lust?
when will there be a path that I can trust?

I cry, I sigh

I cry for the absurdities of things
 the way a cage bird sings
the slow sad song of their despair
that no matter how loud they are
no one really stays long enough to care.

I cry for the pain in my heart
of the unfulfilled hopes of a new start
that maybe this time I learn for good
all the lessons I know should

I cry for the people who I cannot make right
for the father who used to hold me so tight
for my mother who never takes a break from trying her best
even when god throws her the hardest of tests.

I cry for all the girls who don't think their enough
for those unworthy boys who think their so tough
who get stuck with babies and bills and sores
pondering of what life will now have in store.

and sitting here thinking of how free I could be
If I just left all this baggage that was forced upon me
I'd head for the moutains, the hills or the seas
fulfilling that fate of uncertainty.

but then I rememebr how I will be missed
how I wont forgive myself if I wasnt there to recive my mothers last kiss
how life wasnt made easy, so I should stop expecting anything else
I must do whats right and stick it out with people who are worth more then wealth.

So I cry for the pain I endure from this life
but I sigh soon there after, knowing what i've got is more then suffice.

Just a taste

Tell me the story to forget the world.

Hold me so tightly that I can't feel the pain of being restricted to this skin.

Touch me with your eyes and stare into them like you can read my mind.

Pretend that you care so I can affirm my existence
and not fall into the darkness of my imagination.

Justify my thoughts with your forehead to my forehead,
with our noses dancing and our lips parted breathing each other in.

Whisper sweet nothings into my ear and seduce me with your breath against my neck

smell my hair because I washed it just for you

do all the things I pray to god to do

so I can worship you with every beat of my heart

because to love something humanly divine is better then dying not tasting that kind of life.

Its a pain to leave Mary Jane

Though she has been a dear friend
it is time I leardned not to pretend
theres a hard lesson i've been taught again and again
and now its time I give it my full ten

I haven't been sober in over a year
a "funtioning pothead" is the title I feared
and here it is, across my chest
I have become a slave to an addiction as I travel on this difficult quest.

and though she's been kind to lesson the pain
she has yet to cure the problem and left me in vain
for as I sink deeper within with every puff
this bliss that I inhale is just not enough.

I cannot wait around for the man with the pound
I spend too many hours staring aimlessly at the ground
looking for a purpose thats too hard to find
so I just blow away the thoughts with every blunt and dime

but here today I'm ready for the test
and with my thirsty eyes I make an oath to take a rest
for in time I'd like my brain to heal
and perhaps observe what its like to really feel.

Though i've grown to rely on this gift mother nature has supplied
I hope to find a better balance and smoke moderately over time
to enjoy the highs after fighting the lows
to go father then I have ever fathomed to go.

How do i find the words for agony?

To know a happiness that is now past me.

How should we know where our foot is next to go?

Is it wise to be slow, to observe the world around in its current order

Or do we speed up the progress to expand the boarder?

Do our minds create sin and the violence we peek
on the televisions, cell phones and tablets we keep

is it wrong to advance our inventions, when they eventually become weapons?
Shouldnt we be greatful for the peace that we teach,
a vision that could heal the sick and strengthen the weak?

a love for a people is a love for all man kind
if we can fight for our neighbor then war is a waste of lives
because everyone has a neighbor who might be a friend in time.

Chopplin will give Washington a run for his money

Watch this, it's important.

http://www.trueactivist.com/gab_gallery/the-greatest-speech-ever-made/

words.

we all have a story to tell
some closer to heaven then hell
but lets not waste time as we dwell
on the harsh realities and sinful spells

on an adventure we go
to fulfill the fate we behold
build character by baring the cold
harsh realities of a life spent getting old

distraction from pain we seek
as months are mistaken for weeks
but as long as we never reach our peek
we will forget what it feels to be bleak.

As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive

Love is all you need
It is the seed to the purpose we use to feed
our soul, in the pit of our hearts
where there is light even in the dark.

bables

How do you ever know
what direction to go
what path will lead you to the best outcome
what journeys will involve the most fun

nothing is certain

life is temporary

and we must decide if we want to thrive in this limited lifetime

but what I do know

Is that slowly we all grow

some into trees

some into leaves

if you get my analogy

but what is most obseen

Is the thought of living a whole existence not telling you what I mean

I love the way you look at me

when we're too gone to be aware of our stares

I see your eyes find suprise
when my smile breaks the disguise
shattering whatever thought may have been brewing deep inside

oh how I long to know the kind of certainty
when you don't hold back any dount of me
your ready to embark on a new journey
that could very well destract you the nights you get lonely

take a ride with me
Ill show you all I see
keep me company
and I'll play melodies of symphonies

I sing this to you in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ5BXfXUYwM

Somehow

Somehow I still feel that purchase was the best thing thats ever happened to me.
As an individual, on my own singular journey to fulfilling my destiny - whatever that may be- going away to college and learning about how to live with people other then my family, its become one of the most valuable lessons i've yet to learn.

I don't regret a thing, because with each mistake has come strength.

Thats why you cant be afraaid to live richly, to take chances and explore your limits.
Even if the immediate result might seem like the end of life as you know it, it could just be the painful start to a wonderfully new beginning.

"Blue"

"I love you, but I love me more"
a phrase that would hurt right down to the core
if ever uttered from the love once discovered
thats now ended and but only left you poor

It makes one wonder if one does not love oneself enough
or that maybe your baby just made you better and stuff

perhaps the problem was when you got comfortable in time
expecting today to turn into tomorrow with her still by your side

you may have even let out a little cry
when she told you her last goodbye

but deep down inside you still somehow assumed you'd still get to start over again.
Or at least stay her friend.

but lets not pretend, no love can last forever.

and with the uncertainties of these absudities comes the fear of not finding again what one did for thee.


wasn't pining the best part?
the butterflies and late night sighs
my heart aching just to be near to you
and whenever you graced your lovely eyes into mine
my breath would pause neatly just to better focus on you

oh how it makes me so blue
to recall of such a tragic poetry
seeping from my soul to my mind to my fingers- to you
what a shame what we both had to do
to reenact a feeling in seasons anew

I know now what I must do to be rid of you.
but oh, how it makes me blue.

I musent wait

I musent wait for you
for i'd be waiting a lifetime

though I thought our love was true
it has not been the most kind

what is my destiny?
does it include you returning to me?
do we ever get to live happily?
Is it a joke to even think if thee?

I mean you silenced me in my darkest hour
I was loosing my mind and you just protected your honor

What was that thing we used to say?
How we'd always be friends and never let the other get away?
Well I lost my sanity and faith in humanity
since you last out reached your hand to me

Its been a hard road back to normalcy
what ever the fuck that may be
its been lonely and harsh
and even worse that I can no longer feel you in my heart


I've painfully seen
just how lonely life can be

how easily you can get lost in a sea 

if there isn't a person looking out for me 

Though I have learned a lot from these months
Whats most important is what i've overcome
 emotions I thought I may die from
that now make me realize I answer to no one
but the lord who gives me the strength to run
from the absurdities that challenge my equilibrium

And being here on the other side
I can see clearly that theres nothing I left behind
because the people who want the best for me are always by my side
and thats why you my dear, you no longer deserve my time.

what is this sickening ache I feel in my chest?
why has it settled here, preventing me from rest?

I see how similar a heart can break between two totally different souls
the brain looses all rational thought and is abducted and sold

hold my hand to ease the pain
of tears that trickles down my cheek with shame

for I never dreamt I could cry this much
with every drop of sadness leaving my cheeks red with blush

and I suppose I can only blame myself
to be overcome with these poor emotions instead of a finding a saner wealth

but honestly if loving you is wrong I wouldn't want to be right
because that bliss you gave me those many moons ago is enough to make me fight

I will treck on in search of another light to lead me from the shadows of the night
and in these in between times, I will continue to write.

Garden State

Go watch Garden State.

Even if you've seen it.

Go watch it again.

Its important.

This movie feels important.

So watch it. And think of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS7e43qVpbE&feature=endscreen

This song puts into words perfectly how I used to pine for a girl who stopped returning to my bed.

It used to haunt me in my own mixed up head.

I couldnt' trust my own judgements, for I was gradually loosing it instead.

To think I thought she'd be the one to bring me back to sanity.


On the contrary, she pushed me away and found how to silence me.

I was mute and screaming at the same time,

My lips where parted but my words were in a bind.


Where's the song to explan the pain that kind of treatment caused?

If I cannot find one I'll have to write one justice
with hardly any pause-

So that there isnt enough silence for you to speak,

now you'll just have to listen and hope theres a line that you seek.

I feel robbed

Today I rose early to write a story.
It was for a class I am taking at school.

I wrote about a setting that was gloomy and sorry,
and for some reason it made me think of you.

And how i used to love the way you wrote,
your words would take me on a trip,
into your imagination- a place i'd enjoy most to hear of straight from your lips.

How I loved to see things through your eyes,
to feel love and beauty in all its kind.

But today I could not have such a thing.

Why did this bring tears to me eyes?
why do I bask in this pain without compromise?
why would you take away a light that used to make me feel alive?

I want you to take me to the hudson
and stare at the ice as it melts
feeling light and infinite
talking of poetry and art
sitting as equals
a way few has made me felt.

It is so hurtful to be shut out
when I have so much beuty to share,

how do i convey that you are one of my favorite writers
and it is you whom I wish actually cared.

Don't mistake my words for romantic one,
my dear that ship has long sailed-

but I refuse to sit here and lie to you,
for it is a friendship I desperately desire to prevail.

i need someone who understands

I need someone who understands
that not everything in my life went acording to plan
that I behaved in ways I now see was out of hand
but is still willing to stand with me in a united band.

Rant 2

He walks directly behind me, allowing no space between us.
Allowing no air for another to divide us.
Except this time I wasn't trying to be touched.

So i acted like I was in a rush.
To grab a seat,
I put some pep in my feet.
Snagged the on near the door,
with but two empty seats.

I closed my eyes right as I sat down,
only to feel a heavier pound,
your coat brushing against me
the sound of you speading ya feet.

Taking up room,
taking it from me
just like you did my voice
acting like I didn't have a choice.

But guess what- I do!
So I scheme a plan to escape you.
I stand up quick,
and bolt like I was sick.

About to vomit out all the words you neva let me say,
so this shall be our final play.

And I don;t look back to see if your behind,
I just keep it moving,
swallowing the words back into my mind

replaying it, perfecting it
until it feels like mine
and i winder the right time
to leave you with this last rant of mine.

I'd doubt you'd call me again
if you knew how you now made me felt.

So lets not take it there.
Leave me be without a care.
Because there are many fishies just like me.
Except they will love you more honestly.

Let it be.
Let me be.
You will see.
Its clear to me.
Let it be :-

Kind of lives.

What is this constant need for affirmation?
what is this ache and pain when your void isn't filled
when your body isn't touched
and your soul isn't fed with that recognition that you are in fact alive
that your not invisible
roaming around through space and time
your an active part of the present world

so what does it say when your unwanted in crowds
from people who once always wanted you around
what do I make of the one that had said
she wished we never had to leave the comfort of her bed
what does it say that she once wished I were dead?

should it not matter because those who matter would never mind
of is it that i have been dazed, lost in the repeating of time
life goes on, wounds heal and fires burn
perhaps one fall day it shall be anothers turn
to posses my thoughts and tickle my mind
with visions of hope that this new face will be a better kind

then of course, if their not i'll have her to think back on
write down my sorrow s and play back our old love songs-
then i'll be in that nostalgic mood of sadness and missery

"is it pathetic to cry of all the winters that will not be
of the broken sheets of ice floating down the hudson
that i shall never get to see"
I sit in nana's old rocking chair, writing franticly
blinding by all the sentences that must touch the paper before it escapes my memory

"come away with me" the words circle around in my brain
"drive to space and see all the stars in their glory and planets in their mystery"
"lets get high under a clear blue sky and escape all sanity"
"hold my hand through every step and it will be a fulfilling journey"

but he I am distracted by these uncertainties
when there is a life set out for me where I can see all that I can be
where the pain if less and structure provides some ease
the passion may grow dim but at least you'll have your loyalty.

What kind of lives are these?

wear my hat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbhgzA98IAY

you can wear my hat,
put it on and hold it tight
ill let you rock it the rest of the night
dont get no drinks on it or get in a fight

just as long as you return it unharmed
once the clock strikes 12, ill be singing my last song
meet me bak by the vending machines
if you get there right we can share munchines

take a walk into the night
as long as that hat you holding tight
wear my hat and ill hold you hand
so no matter what I know its on solid land

lets find a field of grass, lay my jacket down and stare up high
without no lights we can see every single star
if we're lucky w'll see one shooting right by

you can lay your head on my shoulder
ear to ear ill hear every breath
move down to my chest
and feel the beat at my hearts best

because just to be close to you is divine
just dont loose my hat and we can rock here for a blissful time
come away with me

Because I knew you.

Can I fix whats been broken?
Or is it time to give up?

Perhaps it was over long ago
but my heart kept hope no matter what.

Now I feel disgusted with myself,
knowing that every term of endearment
would be twisted into a creepy sum,
how painful it is
when all you want to do is express love
and instead it is translated in a way that makes the girl run.

Will my second chance ever come?

Not if I keep waiting for one.

Its hard when every pretty sight makes me think of you.
How the sunlight beaming on my cheek makes me pine for who
I thought would be a person i'd never lose.

Boundaries are important, thats the biggest lesson i've learned yet
but i've also realized its easier to survive by living without regret

I am so sorry Ive scared you, this is honestly true.
But I can never be sorry for the day I first laid eyes on you.

Because I have grown to be better because I knew you.

13 Reasons Why

I just finished yet another book that maes me feel like my my persective on people and life will be changed forever.

Being someone who has battled with the thought of suicide, though never being weak enough to do it, I can relate to a lot of how Hanna was feeling through her struggle.

This book is SO imprtant for young people to read. We are so valnerable in our fastly changing bodies is this fastly evolving society. Every word, gesture and expression has the power to make or break our confidence in ourselves. Thats why we must open the conversation, ask questions and express ourselves as often as we need so that no one gets caried away by one sad thought.

Tell the people you love you love them. Give affection as often as people will accept it and don't ever stop smiling because I swear, a smile can save a life. At least a genuine one can.


http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/hannah%20baker?before=19

fall for a tree

OHH how i wish i could marry a tree. 
What a nice stable relationship that'd be.
I'd lean on their trunk, 
leaves float down as they please, 
making the lovely image or it raining orange, yellow and green. 

It'd be fall of course, when our love affair would begin,
as the months pass I'd come give you warmth in winter,
every day, til it was once spring again.

Then Id take my original spot, 
flower buds blooming from your branch- 
cool breeze tickling my skin, 
i'd giggle feeling their love surround me, 
the wind making em dance.